2009 – Malachy Sickman

Mivnan makes history

Malachy Mivnan achieved a lifelong dream and became the first player in history to win the Johnny Woodpecker Memorial Trophy on the first day after the greatest round of his life saw him dominate and win the much sought after trophy by a record 6 shots.

A second round 42 over of 114 sealed the win from the fast finishing pack after pre tournament favourite Chris Robinson could only shoot 34 shots better and finished a disappointing 30th.

Not content with just wrapping up the title on the 1st day, Mivnan then went on to break Danger’s jug skull record from 2008, setting up what should be a great showdown in 2010 between the three Magpie heavyweights with former skuller of the year Simon Schteemin coming out of retirement in an effort to take back his crown as the fastest skull on the tour.



In one of the more bizarre twists to JWMGC 2009, the Fraser Moors Memorial Kauri has been reclaimed by the Magpies.

An accounting error from Dave “Horks for Life” Henry on his last round meant rather than a miraculous comeback by Henry he actually went down 8 and 5 to Nude Vaginor.

Yes, that is not a mistake. Down 8 and 5 to Nude Vaginor. This surely cemented his place as the worst player to never win a Woodpecker.

It also cemented the Magpies as clear winners on head-to-head. The recount issue lead to some fiery exchanges between former Magpies captain Simon Schteemin and Swans stalwart John Weak. Having got his hands on the trophy at the prize giving John Weak seemed adamant he could take it to the engravers.

However sober calculations highlighted the error and Henry admitted his part in the debacle.

“It was a tough call. To either go with a guy who’d made the tournament by leaving a one week old son at home or ‘fess up and go with a team of flashers that towed that stupid bird into the car park at Wairakei”.

John Weak ruminated on the loss but felt that discretion was the better part of valour.

“It could have been seen as the forward pass that sunk the ABs in Cardiff – tough luck. But it could also have been seen a bit like Ernesto Bertarelli – Swiss cheese. So I’ve posted the Kauri back to Simon Schteemin and will be tipping a cold one to the great Kauri himself tonight. I’m sure he’ll crack at the whole debacle.”

Simon Schteemin was even more circumspect in his acceptance of the prized trophy.

“You beauty. I didn’t even have to pick up a point either day and we still whipped all you p****. ”

Scoop – JWMGC guest reporter


DNA analysis conducted by the Magpies on a scorecard submitted from Hawk Henry Gate revealed that there were twink stress lines on Henrys section of the scorecard. These showed a 97.4% probability that the “W” was in fact an “L”.

Instead of winning his crucial match against Magpie star Minor by 1 shot at the last, he’d actually lost 7 holes earlier when his 2nd into the tough par 3 10th rebounded into the river off a cart driven by a Falcon attorney starting his round.

When asked how this could have happened Henry blamed the Otago Slitherwine as he thought that the scorecard look freaky with twink all over it.


Horks defend Henry

Another unnamed source from the Horks believes that Henry Gate is just Mr Magoo in disguise.

“Listen – he made an honest mistake with his scorecard and now he’s getting crucified for thinking that a L (loss) was actually a W (win).”

“No one crucified him when he threw out the team’s golf clubs on the Desert Road or when he crashed his car into a retirement village after his jug skull!”