2012 – Dave Wayward

No combovers prevail

Moving back faster than a Taradale innkeeper’s hairline, staff at Auckland’s venereal (sic) Titirangi Golf Course gave a nervous welcome to members of JWMGC XIV as they disgorged from their first mode of transport on day one. After years at the practice range he finally knocks the bastard off.

As a number of members at the course were heard to mutter about slipping quality standards, most of the fresh hackers could only comment on the “Flash Cat’s” choice for day one. As the host with the ghost off his back gave the traditional karakia, a squabble broke out as one Bay City Realtor accidentally stood on his own candy.

Before any scramble could ensue a street kid from Rongotai swooped like a true Hawk and made off with the crumbs.

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In perfect conditions for quality golf, all eyes turned to the newbies to check for any signs of burglary. Big bad Brad G-House made all veterans feel comfortable by piecing together a round score of 9 stabies. At the other end of the scoresheet, nobody was more surprised to see two Horks leading than motor-man Spruce Lawn and man-with-motor Machine McHardy.

As darkness descended on West Auckland, Sliver Shaw flushed the pan and the field emptied their colostomy bags as the bus headed further west to Riverhead. Overnight co-leader McHardy was heard to mention he’d really like the chance for a shave before heading back into town.

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A crisis was narrowly averted at Riverhead tavern as the sergeant-at-arms finally located a 2 litre jug to let the freshies and absentees chop their punishment sweet. As the field engorged onto the second mode of transport for the day, veteran players roused Simon Schteemin from his first slumber and the show hit the Waitemata. One of the obliging crew was able to accommodate McHardy his wish and appeared to grant a few more from the aft facilities.

As the ship of fools ran aground in Auckland proper, normal service resumed and the shambles unfolded till dawn.

Waking up a touch throaty, Falcons chairman Peta Hunt rose above and guided the tour party to another day of sunshine among the gannets at Muriwai.

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In a leading group that was Hawk heavy, the lone Magpie Qualmark Johnson quickly put himself out of contention with a fair John Daly impression. Sensing opportunity fellow Magpies Dr Danger and Slumlord Tremain made a move. However, nobody could predict what happened next.

Out of the sunshine flew the nudest Falcon to play the game, the Benny Hill double from Three Kings, Ed Woodward finally delivered on years of wasted efforts. Yes, the online supremo, the publishing impresario, the softly handicapped digital Dave streaked home with 39 points to take out JWMGC XIV.

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Scorecard

Player HC RND 1 ST RND 2 ST F
Dave Wayward 29 103 32 99 39 71
Spruce Lawn 36 107 35 111 33 68
Mark Gemstone 21 93 34 101 28 62
Henry Gate 18 91 34 99 28 62
Darren Stalone 32 116 26 105 36 62
Simon Schteemin 27 100 33 108 28 61
Yawn Morsely 17 94 29 96 30 59
Simon Chur 25 100 31 106 28 59
Steve McSofty 30 101 35 115 23 58
Myke Bollok 21 101 27 99 31 58
Mick Fight 24 97 33 108 24 57
Nude Vaginor 36 116 26 113 31 57
Mick Nillichip 33 115 25 110 32 57
Dean Brownarse 26 107 25 103 31 56
Don Sure 26 106 26 104 30 56
Larry Bonding 26 108 25 103 31 56
Barry Traill 12 90 28 93 27 55
Frazr Poland 31 111 28 113 26 54
Peta Hunt 9 89 26 90 27 53
Jon Loveanich 18 99 25 102 24 49
Craig Sudoku 19 101 24 104 24 48
Deane Sure 25 116 17 103 31 48
Juan Stoked 30 113 23 114 24 47
Mr Burguezz 30 110 26 119 20 46
Danny Smurfette 29 105 30 127 15 45
Dr Zooce 25 115 20 109 25 45
Alaine Hunks 36 124 18 122 22 40
Drewe Meetz 25 115 19 113 21 40
Fabio Rossini 19 104 22 115 17 39
Malachy Mivnan 29 117 20 120 19 39
Jon Jon Waveless 31 131 12 127 18 30
Rad Steakhouse 30 137 9 130 12 21