2014 – Frazr Poland

Holland wins with day to spare

And that was that. A game of two rounds.

Magpies sack Malone – look to Falcons

The Magpies are looking to appoint their seventh captain in as many years with latest captain Darren Stalone sacked as the Magpies slip to third overall in Woodpecker all time standingsafter another disastrous performance. Rumours have it they plan to break their transfer record to sign sensational new Falcon Steve Pond, a Magpie trainer from Yabbie after he almost guided the Falcons to their first team victory since 2005.

Hunks leads Horks to double

Star Horks backrunner Alan “Elvis” Hunks said that he believed that the Horks were at the beginning of what he hoped would be a long dynasty of dominating the Johnny Woodpecker for years to come. “We aspire to become the new Magpies and be the most hated team on the tour, simply because when people hate you, they want you inside them – it’s called Wet Poppy”.


Virgin Flight forced to turn back by Magpies

Woodpecker Scoop 16:55: Virgina Airlines Flight VA165 from Auckland to Gold Coast has had to turn back mid flight and return to Auckland after it was learned that there were up to six Magpies on board the plane. Several of the crew and many passengers looked visibly upset at seeing so many magpies in one place.

The flight was originally delayed waiting for the arrival of it’s most important passenger – international celebrity and adult star Simòn Tremàinè who was late for the flight departure after a sleep in.


Queensland it is

I woke this morning as usual, sucking on the lapel of the old tweed jacket with the silky beige lining stuck to the corner of my mouth.  Wearing it 24 / 7 is no doubt having a detrimental effect on its well-being, but I think “What the hell, I’m champ so why not live the dream”.  I rolled over, slipped the No.1 driver cover off my johnson and took aim at the large trophy on the floor.  As pisspots go, its bang on…  big enough to deal with the outflow of 3 bottles of rouge, tinny enough to make a good sound when my aim is true, and shiny enough to say through the morning haze “There is only one – and it’s you big boy!”

After winning the regular morning duel of chasing down the wife’s honey pot whilst ignoring her constant and lively protestations, I swung the old pins out of the scratcher and pondered my day.  Woodpecker Organisation 101…  it was time.

The charitable side of me has been considering penning some notes for the losers among you…  you know who you are….  all the greatest players never to have won the Woodpecker.  I was going to pass on the time honoured secrets of pleading spastic come handicap time, of consistently sandbagging on day two for years to soften the hard edges of the handicapping (nee knitting) committee, of the importance of 12 months cobweb growth on the clubs, and an on-site championship diet of candy, Japanese darts and vino…  but I decided you’ve probably all got to find your own way – in the true style of the late great Alan Woods.

Upon regular encouragement from the next event’s executive mentor and VP of entertainment, Baron von Zucchini, I write to you all with plans for the next 10 months. It is time to dust off that passport, clean out the reefer butts from your golf bag and think ‘there is a world out there beyond the retirement centre of Hawkes Bay’.  A number of options have come and gone.  The Philippines would have given so much, but alas likely taken away more.  The death penalty and our marriages would have been challenging obstacles to be sure.  The Filipino door was finally shut after I realised that our dear friend Sean, looking at the world as he does late at night through one eye, would have trouble telling the difference between the woman of his dreams and the very convincing transvestites that the ex-Spanish islands are famous for. My adopted town of Melbourne was also a close runner up, but the snooty golf demeanour, big town challenges and the off chance of running into some random AGL exec whilst chewing my cheeks and frothing at the mouth caused this option to get the flick.  Tasmania would have been a very cool destination, but we should save that for the inevitable evolution of the Pecker to a week-long event.

So my friends, for the XVth Johnny Woodpecker Memorial Golf Classic, we are off to Queensland’s Gold Coast where the sun often shines, the rum is sweet and the girls don’t like clothes.  There are a range of most excellent coastal and hinterland courses for our pleasure, direct flights from NZ towns with more than 5 people, that laid back Queensland attitude for our taking, and although still considered Australia’s knife capital, some good evening entertainment.  Provisional dates are March 7th-8th 2014 and earmark the 6th & 9th for travel.

 Ultimate Criteria

To celebrate the first offshore Woodpecker and our 15th anniversary, I propose we invite everyone who has played in the previous 14 tournaments – it’s ‘up yours’ to exclusivity – and in with ‘more the merrier’ whist of course sticking to the ultimate criteria.  It won’t be long before some of us begin dropping off so make hay while the sun shines I say…  and bring back the mighty Utz and the scourge of Gisborne, Mr P Toia, amongst other notables.

You only get one Alan Bond

in your lifetime…

Destination is Queensland’s Gold Coast, the current knife capital of Australia.


Player HC RND 1 ST RND 2 ST F
Frazr Poland 32 101 39 110 30 69
Myke Bollok 23 102 30 97 34 64
Barry Traill 12 87 33 91 29 62
Don Sure 27 108 27 100 35 62
Simon Schteemin 27 106 30 104 31 61
Darren Stalone 33 116 25 105 36 61
Steve McSofty 31 108 32 114 27 59
Drewe Meetz 25 106 29 108 27 56
Fabio Rossini 19 101 28 100 28 56
Yawn Morsely 17 98 27 97 28 55
Mark Lawless 9 90 27 89 28 55
Nude Vaginor 36 113 31 127 23 54
Juan Stoked 31 118 25 111 28 53
Spruce Lawn 36 127 17 108 36 53
Simon Chur 25 109 25 107 27 52
Mr Burguezz 32 121 21 113 28 49
Dr Zooce 25 110 26 112 22 48
Larry Bonding 23 110 23 109 25 48
John Weak 9 99 18 87 30 48
Mick Fight 24 108 25 111 22 47
Alaine Hunks 36 127 25 123 22 47
Mick Nillichip 33 118 25 125 21 46
Dean Brownarse 26 111 23 114 21 44
Jon Loveanich 18 106 22 109 20 42
Mark Gemstone 21 116 15 102 27 42
Cristal Wagstaff 17 106 21 108 19 40
Matt Whiteman 22 123 17 113 20 37
Steve Pond 36 136 13 153 8 21