Stealin the Favouritism

The TAB has asked for verification of 2016 Champion Simon Schteemin and 2020 champion Mark Gemstone’s NZGA scorecards from last year amid concerns they have manipulated a loophole through inflatio scorus

Stealin has also been asked to please explain his behaviour after news was leaked that he has a $1,000 bet with Falcon Fabio Rossini that he will shoot a lower scratch score than him on Day 2 of Woodpecker XXV.

“That’s not the behaviour of someone that’s on a 31 handicap. Rossini is playing off a 22 and has been rumoured to have shot multiple scores under 90 yet has done the complete opposite and not handed in cards. They’re both as dodgy as a mosquito watching dwarf porn – cvnts”

2023 Captain of the year – Alaine “Mosquito” Hunks

TAB 2023 top picks

1 – Simon Schteemin

Magpies – $5.50
Simon Schteemin the show with the Magpie 2011Toupee

Won the tournament in 2016 on a 28 so very hard to see him not being there or thereabouts on a 31. The question is “How did the Handicapping Committee allow this to happen? Many believe it was purely due to concern over the Mosquito’s power plays and the Falcon’s fumbling fiasco trying to organise the handicaps without a Magpie captain present.

2 – Mark Gemstone

Magpies – $8.50
The Magpie that was a Swan (for not long)

Came 5th in 2022 on a 20 handicap and now on a 24 for some rhyme nor reason apart from Swan captain Barry thinking that he had signed for the red team in 2023 (only to find that the agreement was only for beersies and some guns). 2007 champion Hunt says he’s the player to beat after he gave him an ass whipping in 2022.

3 – John Weak

Swans – $10.00
Weak dreams of lost love and shooting a 78 again

Fan favourite John Weak won the inaugural Woodpecker in Northland back in 1999 so could we see history repeating itself 24 years later? Said to be playing as well as ever after coming 1st in the Lake Tewa pro-am recently and with two tough courses to play, he’s in with a great chance but he will need to be at the top of his game amongst a field of liars, cheats, score fraudulators, and burglars (and a mosquito).

4 – Mark Would

Falcons – $14.50
The big-hitting Grand Rouge is a major threat

Newly married handsome Falcon, Mark Would is one of the biggest hitters on the Woodpecker and is fresh off shooting 38 stablefords at Clarks Beach so is also peaking at the perfect time. Has caused a minor rift within the Falcons after leaving the life of Drag Queen nights on K-Road and marrying a woman, but new Falcon captain Jon Jon Waveless has steadied the Falcon ship and their acute case of heterophobia.