The TAB has asked for verification of 2016 Champion Simon Schteemin and 2020 champion Mark Gemstone’s NZGA scorecards from last year amid concerns they have manipulated a loophole through inflatio scorus.
Schteemin has also been asked to please explain his behaviour after news was leaked that he has a $1,000 bet with Falcon Fabio Rossini that he will shoot a lower scratch score than him on Day 2 of Woodpecker XXV.
“That’s not the behaviour of someone that’s on a 31 handicap. Rossini is playing off a 22 and has been rumoured to have shot multiple scores under 90 yet has done the complete opposite and not handed in cards. They’re both as dodgy as a mosquito watching dwarf porn – cvnts”
TAB – The Players to Beat
1 – Simon Schteemin
Magpies – $5.50
Won the tournament in 2016 on a 28 so very hard to see him not being there or thereabouts on a 29. The question is “How does the Handicapping Committee allow this to happen year in year out? Finished 25th in 2024 so perfectly poised after spending a year consolidating a low placing (akin to a horse trainer telling the jockey to hold her back this race) in order to boost the odds for a future feature race. The one to beat.
2 – Mark Gemstone
Magpies – $8.50
Came 5th in 2024 after rounds of 94 and 92 for 76 stableford points and one of the form players on the Woodpecker. Was a Swan for not long back in 2023 after fooling Barry Traill into thinking that he had signed for the Swans (only to find that the agreement was only for beersies and gummies). 2007 champion Hunt says he’s the always one of the players to beat with a stick.
3 – John Weak
Swans – $10.00
Fan favourite John Weak won the inaugural Woodpecker in Northland back in 1999 so could we see history repeating itself 26 years later? Said to be playing as well as ever, he’s in with a great chance but he will need to be able to chop a jug again after deciding to hang out with UCLA Frat Boys in 2024 and missing a stunning Swan victory.
4 – Red Wood
Falcons – $14.50
Luscious Falcon, Red Wood is one of the biggest hitters on the Woodpecker and is fresh off coming 23rd in Cambridge in 2024 so he is peaking at the right time. Has caused a minor rift within the Falcons after leaving the life of Drag Queen nights on K-Road and marrying a woman, but the new Falcon captain has steadied the Falcon ship and their heterophobia by putting his faith in Pond, Steve Pond.
