Handicaps of The Woodpecker


Magpie Pride

Coming in at number 5 is Magpie Pride.

Year in year out, the annual handicapping system is announced and a doorway for those that haven’t won the Woodpecker before opens a little bit wider.

Fraser Moors came up with a scheme that would reward those long serving players with an additional handicap shot each year up to a maximum of 36 (at which time you become just a minor gawnt hunk of a man and are beyond hope).

Magpie legends of the JWMGC continue to live in the past and refuse to get their handicaps adjusted even when suffering a back worse than Igors’ and a hook that even Mike Tyson would have been proud of.

All they had to do was ask.


Falcon Egos

Not content to have million dollar properties, the Falcons spend their time bulldozing their homes to build even bigger ones, such is their desire to stay ahead of the Joness from Napier and Queenstown.

Falcon stalwart Fraser Moors has continued to haunt the Falcons since 2006 to no avail, and is at the end of his tether.

“I hear that they’re looking into flying from tee to tee in matching helicopters this year. They are completely oblivious to the fact that they are the only team not to have their names etched on the mighty kauri. Those farkers just want to look good in the latest from Lululemon Athletica or TaylorMade.

I have summoned the mighty spirits from Tane Mahuta to no avail!”


The Slytherins

No surprises that we see the Slytherins as a handicap.

As with any culture, there are always those that buck the trend and want to go Greek with their sister. Just invite a Slytherin into your house and watch him go straight to your toilet for a dump.

In 2015, the Slytherins became a handicap as they spent an eternity making up their minds as to when they wanted to play the golf, only resolved by a good old fashioned dip and dump with their sister in Makara – affectionately known as Flossy since they are able to floss their teeth whilst doing the dirty dawg using a massive hair on a mole on her face.

Ask Flossy what she thinks of the Slytherins and she’ll tell you.


Southern Men – Yeah Right

Once the greatest team in The Woodpecker.

Now a total disgrace.

Some say that they have bigger egos than the Falcons – others say it’s a team facing a mid life crisis.

What they have become is soft corks that can no longer be considered Southern Men that rule their house.

When their wives arrange shopping trips in March for the family does it not occur to them to check the date with the champ – even old school by telephone (just ignore the sales pitch to buy an investment property).

Has Flighty swapped his shotgun for a Weedeater?
What has happened to the once mighty mosquito Weak?
What has happened to his mindset?

Does he honestly think that he can just reply all to a team email:

“I cant do – already have full 19 and 20 March.”

The Swans are farken useless carnts.