2026 Danny Muftit
Swan legend Danny Muftit finally nailed it in Matamata after a sensational playoff with fellow Swan Mick Nillichip.
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2026 Swans Tirau
The Swans made it three from three with a closely fought victory over the Hawx and Magpies in Tirau.
Falcons Lead Top & Bottom
Falcon Dr Zooce leads a tightly congested field as Hawx star recruit Feely shoots a personal best.
The Magpie Triad
Every sporting competition faces the truth that one team has been quietly, ruthlessly, dominating for years.
Swans Culture Crisis
What began as a discrete cultural review has exploded into one of the biggest controversies in Woodpecker history. Guest Writer
The Rise and Rise of The Burglar
Danny Muftit shot -23 and finished second. Any other year bar 2024 he would have won by at least 7 shots.
Calypso Collapso
From the highs of becoming only the second player to win twice to the lows of having to be on the lookout for cock.
The Fire Chief and the Elephant
Every past champion knows the real reason why they never want to win the trophy twice and that is the dreaded firetruckers.
Pond Betting Turns to Flood
A massive betting plunge on Steve Pond has forced the TAB to stop taking any bets on the new favourite.
Drewe the Blue that was Red
When Long Strokes created the Fantails as a feeder system for newbies, no-one imagined that he was creating a cockfest.
Let it Go Foundation
There are a number of treatments available for male pattern baldness, but no cure. We help senior men cope with their loss.
Worst Captains Ever
In response to multiple complaints from players (NZG players) an internal investigation has revealed the source of the corruption.
2025 Sir Tim Burgess
Sir Tim Burgess has become a better golfer and won in style taking Sir Peter’s status off him in the process.
The Forgotten Players
From 2011 to 2021, every single champion had been “boosted” with extra handicap points to help them win as part of the original charter.
Falcons Farce Fears Flourish
Friends of the Falcons say that they’re farked without their high handicappers to provide burglar cover in a tight recesssion.
Melanie and Them
For most of his tournament life, Mel felt like he was reading from a script someone else had written. The Magpie Charter.
Magpies Move Goalposts
After two months of internal turmoil, former Magpie Major and Chur are now on their own. (Guest Writer)
2025 Swans Hikuai
Former powerhouse team, the Swans showed that they are back and the team to beat with a convincing victory in the rain.
2024 Swans Cambridge
Yawn Morsely confirmed his status as the greatest Swan captain ever after a dominant performance in 2024.
2024 Steve McSofty
Steve McSofty bounced back in impressive fashion after being kicked out of his motel room by the Sytherins.
The Magpies release MagpieGPT
There’s a poster in the office of the CEO of a Hawkes Bay real estate company that has no titties and arse on it.
2023 Nude Major
He iti hau marangai e tū te pāhokahoka – Just like a rainbow after the storm, success follows failure.
Making The Hawx Handsome
Donald Trump has the saying “Making America Great Again” – now The Hawx have copied it thanks to their new captain.
2023 Falcons Ahipara
Inspirational new captain Jon Jon Wavish becomes the first ever Falcon captain to win on debut.
Schteemin TAB Favourite
2016 Champion Simon Schteemin has had to resubmit his scorecards amid concerns of inflatio scorus.
The Magnificent Magpies
It’s hard to come to superlatives for the Magnificent Magpies who continue to dominate the sport like no other.
Swans ageing like a fine Pinot
The last time the Swans won any trophy was 11 years ago playing on their local course in Wanaka.
An Ode to the Handicaps
Hail you Capulet contrivers, supporters of NZGA sageness, cut me not to the quick with your sharp penned reduction.
WhatsApp Handicapping Debarcle
After 25 years of the status quo and if it ain’t broke, the Mosquito and the Falcons look to change history.
Sickman Legend Grows
Sickman is vindicated by his boldness in going against the brief and mixing colours to create golfing outer-wear for the ages.
The Maori and the Pīwakawaka
Hawx look to local iwi and Pīwakawaka legend to bring home the Fraser Moors Memorial Trophy.
Falcons sack SLT
Jon Jon Waveless has taken over the captaincy of the Falcons with Jake Hay moving to a talent identification role.
Minor the Major
Any normal person that continued to lose untold balls and was forced to skull jugs of beer would have given up.
Magpie Tom
A wee David Bowie-esque verse about the only way the Slytherins can beat the Magpies top duo at Moose Lodge.
Shivellosis and COVID-19
Health investigators are looking into a possible link between Magpie Mal Sickman’s Shivellosis and the COVID-19 virus.
Once Were Golfers
Did you know that Steve Humperdinck, the greatest golfer to have ever played in the Johnny Woodpecker can never win?
2021 Hawx Martinborough
The Hawx followed their tried and trusted theory of indulging more than anyone else and it has worked again.
The Only True Kārearea
Happy and still very much in love. Swan lovers Loveanitch and Brownarse reveal their secret formula for staying fresh and gay.
Event Cancelled
Fart Letgo major event sponsor Simon Schteemin said that it was inevitable that the popular yearly event would be cancelled.
2021 Darren Stalone
Darren Stallone finally showed his true burglar potential with a comfortable win in Martinborough.
2020 Mark Gemstone
Gemstone finally achieved champion status after what seems like a decade of chances that were at his mercy.
2019 Long Strokes
Long Strokes became the 21st different player to win holding off Magpie captain and favourite Mark Gemstone by one stroke.
Mr Muftit & the Swans
Mr Murfitt is becoming recognised as a real force and expert on educating old Swans Hirangatanga.
2019 Magpies New Plymouth
The Magpies have once again confirmed their status as the GOAT with another convincing team title win.
Hawx Star Hero
Hawx star Larry Bonding helped save the life of stranded French trekker up on Mount Everest Base Camp.
2018 Magpies Nelson
Magpies confirm status The Magpies have once again confirmed their status as GOAT with a dominant win to retake the Fraser Moors Memorial Trophy. Led … Read more
Falcons Smash Salary Cap
Fabio Rossini said they were delighted to sign someone of Lawless’s calibre but said it had nothing to do with the golf.
An Ode to The Woodpecker
Hawx vetarn Mike Smyth with his Ode to the Woodpecker from his time at the Fiji Classic in Denerau.
2018 Don Sure
It was only a matter of time before Don won, after watching 352,000 golf coaching videos on YouTube.
2017 Myke Bollok
Myke Bollok became the third Hawx in the past four years to win the trophy, confirming his place amongst legends.
2016 Simon Schteemin
Trumpmain Leads Blackwash Day 1 – Fourballs Alaine HunksFrazr Poland Drewes CluesSteve Pond Pita HuntDave Wayward Simon SchteeminMark Lawless Barry TraillJohn Weak … Read more
2015 Alaine Hunks
Hunks Leads Hawx Alaine Hunks cemented the Hawx place as one of the greatest teams ever in the Johnny Woodpecker Memorial Golf Classic when he … Read more
2014 Frazr Poland
Holland wins with day to spare And that was that. A game of two rounds. Magpies sack Malone – look to Falcons The Magpies are … Read more
2013 Larry Bonding
Bonding leads Hawx An inspirational back nine on the final day by Hawx star Larry Bonding resulted in his continuing a remarkable tradition in the … Read more
2017 Kārearea Fiji
Long Strokes became the first Falcon captain since Fraser Moors to win the team’s event.
2013 Hawx Wellington
The Hawx triumph at last After years of physical, mental and spiritual abuse, the Hillbillies, Slytherins, Hawx, Hawx finally knocked the bastard off and won their first … Read more
2012 Dave Wayward
Out of the sunshine flew the nudest Falcon to play the game, Wayward finally delivered on years of wasted efforts.
