Falcons History


The Baron-FabioPeterWoodleyDonDooseFabio

Prediction: 1st
Actual: TBC


The Baron-FabioPeterWoodleyDonDooseFabio

Prediction: Please
Actual: 1st


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With only four players surviving the cull from the ill performing 2013 team, the Falcons look to inspirational ex captain Fabio Rossini to steady the ship, but with the ghost of Fraser Moors continuing to haunt the players for not having won his trophy, it’s hard to see them finishing anywhere other than second on a countback due to sleep deprivation.

Prediction: 2nd
Actual: 2nd


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Like a bunch of simpletons unable to learn from past mistakes, the Falcons big-money splash for Mark “Grand Rouge deus” Wood looks to have gone horribly wrong. Again.

Falcons VP Player Recruitment “Sticky Ricky” Doocey was just last week cooing about the acquisition of a giant ginger-pubed man that plays a long iron off the tee.

“We all know the lad can swing a bat and has pedigree in organising international Raymon Tidy events on the continent, so we’ve picked him to lead the Falcons to victory. We know he will do a knock-up job of organising the 2014 JWMGC in the Queen City.”

However when the Fanta-pant phantom showed up for weigh-in, it became clear the Falcons had made another disastrous choice once Wood opened his gob.

“What’s this about making an effort at golf? The only reason I took on the gig was to put some respect back into the timeless art of the jug skull? Have you seen some of the pathetic efforts at jugs on that trashy website. Puh leeeeeeze. Who is this poof Trish? My sole focus is to chop the grappa-scented amber in record time. As for golf, I probably model my game more on the Samoan attorney. So I’m counting on jugs or wine bottle skulls both days. Cheers”

As the Falcons once again rely on a player turning up halfway through round one and treating day two as optional, it is clear the team itself has no chance of team glory.

Prediction: missing in action- last
Actual: 3rd

Scoop – JWMGC guest reporter


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The Falcons are a classic example of a team spending huge sums of money that fails to deliver.

Home advantage and a current champ to stack the day one fourballs looked to many like a dream start for the Falcons in JWMGC 2012, but it’s clear the team patron Peta Hunt’s skills are more courtroom than transfer market.

In an aggressive start to day one, Titirangi GC life members Ross and Hunt have paired themselves up to take on two former champs from the Swans in Blackwell and Horsely. It’s here where the Falcon team selection gets ragged with Murdoch protégé Woodward and Raymond Tallshaw paired together in an obvious ploy to hide the weakest pairing in second. If that’s not confusing Hunt has cut Piha guru Jackie Kelleher and drafted in JWMGC virgin Plumb Waivish.

Not troubling on its own but Hunt has broken the Piha connection by pairing the white moth of the produce world Johnny “The Baron” Stokes with Johnny “The Fresh Prince of Toiletry” Waivish.

Declining to comment on his brutal culling from the team well known for its winter pruning programme, all a distracted Kelleher could muster was “yeah …………….. heavy.” Hitting clean up for the Falcons is the reliable medicinal pair of Doocey and Murfitt but that’s not enough to convince the bookies, with Falcons rating for 2012 of “home track advantage squandered.”

Prediction: 2nd
Actual: 3rd


PeterFabioWoodleyDooseDonThe Baron-LozMurf

To call them a team in turmoil would be an understatement.

Once the greatest team ever in the Johnny Woodpecker – now just a bunch of overpaid Jafas. The Falcons slide continued in 2010 when they finished last for the first time in their history and as a result slipped to third in the overall Woodpecker rankings.

To call them a team in turmoil would be an understatement. In 2010 their plans were in complete disarray before they had even started when star Australian import Paul Toia soiled his pants in the pre tournament build up.

“The pressure on me was immense. I’d been out with the Slitherins the night before and had a huge one – two Garlic Naans, Sag Aloo, Lamb Bhuna, Onion Bajis and a Beef Vindaloo. I didn’t stand a chance.”

New Falcon recruit Jake Hay (aka JK, Jackie) has added a further dimension to the team – one that may break the record for the lowest stableford ever (held by legendary Falcon Costa Gerondis). Falcon spokesman Peta Huntrefuted any talk of Kelleher beating the record and said that it was pure speculation by the media after a fast finishing 135 from the new Falcon recruit at a recent Falcon training camp.

Inside sources at a recent Falcon training camp have revealed the truth behind the chances of the Falcons of taking the Kauri log in 2011 – none. Legend of the Woodpecker Peta Hunt and team MVP Murfitt will once again be the “go-to” players and the best chance the Falcons have of taking some silverware back to Auckland.

Prediction: Last
Actual: 3rd


PeterFabioWoodleyDooseDonThe Baron-LozMurf

The arrival of the Swan’s most loyal player Danny Smurfette has only strengthened a formidable Falcons team that will more than likely come third yet retain their No.1 status.

The Falcons remain the greatest team even after a disappointing 2009 saw them finish in their worst position ever.

New captain Fabio, under pressure for his place after their performance in 2009, vowed that his team would be back stronger than ever in 2010.

“Righteous is he who believes in me and the Last Day and the Angels and the Scriptures and the Prophets. I have installed in the Falcons a core belief and once we win in 2010 the players will have 16 virgins and a Range Rover.”

Prediction: 3rd
Actual: Last


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The Falcons remain at the top of the table after their third successive second placing in 2008.

Losing star player Lee is a huge loss since he has become one of the most feared players in the Woodpecker – but he leaves with captain Fabios best wishes as he embarks on a professional career in the U.S.

With the backbone of the team from 2008, the Falcons will be hoping they can break their hoodoo and go one better in 2009.


With new record signing Myke Bollok, the return of Lou Malesi pinch golfer, key stalwarts Hunt, Ross and Woodleyunbeaten in matchplay, and with vege baron Stokes and Dr Doocey in scintillating form, the Falcons are again the one of the teams to beat.

Prediction: 2nd
Actual: 3rd


Northern powerhouse team the Falcons are ranked No.1 on the back of one win and two seconds in the last three tournaments, and can also boast the last two winners of the Woodpecker Trophy.

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Their success could however be their undoing as the handicap penalties imposed on past winners may mean that they might struggle. The loss of star player – Korean Danny Lee has meant that they will need to rely more on fringe players Woodley, Stokes and Shaw with immense pressure now on porn star Fabio to come up with the goods in order for them to continue their proud tradition of never finishing outside of the top two.

Prediction: 2nd
Actual: 2nd