Falcons sack SLT

In a major development, the Falcons have sacked their senior leadership team only a few weeks out from Woodpecker XXV leaving the team in complete disarray.

The Senior Leadership Team of Fabio “Monty” Rossini and Peta “Waylon” Hunt have been sacked with immediate effect after an internal review was published into their insipid performance in 2022 where the standard Falcon huddle failed to materialise amid concerns over Waylon’s mental state. He was seen giving his TaylorMade 7-iron a stern talking to in the foyer of the team accommodation and his failure to organise his usual pre-tee off “huddle and hoorah” left the players feeling under prepared and he subsequently lost the dressing room.

The King of the North

Jon Jon Waveless has taken up the role of Captain and senior leadership mentor of the Falcons after Jake Hay was moved to a talent identification role within the Falcon franchise. Falcon double champ Juan Stoked, the greatest player to have ever played in a Woodpecker said, “Being a true man of the North, Jon Jon Waveless has a history of Whangarei Thunder running through his veins and deep connections to Fra and Tane Mahuta. He has such immense strength and is now the most powerful player on the Woodpecker!” 

Jake Hay was philosophical about the appointment amid rumours that it was a power play from within the Falcons from Montgomery.

It is with mixed emotions I’m writing to inform you of my abdication as Captain of the Falcons. 

Part of me thinks it was always to be a caretaker appointment whilst a more suitable candidate – for the team, for the game, and ultimately for victory – was to be allocated. Given this, it gives me great pleasure to announce that Jon Jon Waveless has ascended to the mantle, so please join me with confidence as we look forward to what undoubtedly will be a very successful era under his tenure. As for me, I’m proud of my achievements of the last 12 months, and whilst I’ll be taking time to consider my future and devote more time to my family, my immediate focus will be designing memorial XXV driver covers, and perhaps some of those novelty ballpoint pens where the lady’s swimsuit comes off when you hold them upside down.”