Horks History











The only other unchanged team from 2014, the Horks are once again the team to beat with three clowns still on 36 handicaps and with tournament favourite and Hawk megastar Myke Bollok leading the charge along with team enforcer Cristal Wagstaff, it’s hard to see anyone but the Falcons getting near them.



The return to action of celebrated nightlife impresario Potti Wigstar was seen by many as the perfect counter-espionage to revelations of Machine’s deep undercover role within the Horks and the wider JWMGC diocese.

Even default skipper Henry Gategate certainly thought as much at the traditional pre-tournament weigh-in.

“With Henrygate well behind us and never to be mentioned again, the Machine affair wasn’t ideal preparation but we were really hoping Potti would come in and settle the lads in his normal way. However his latest spray is exactly why skippers should be the only people making public statements.”

The Potmesiter’s verbal began in his natural potti-mouth style. “Jaysus FC, you take one year off to watch an event that literally destroys romance and it all goes downhill.”

Potti felt he was coming back to a warm embrace but said it appears there’s more than one deep operative to watch out for. “As if the vegetable git from up north wasn’t bad enough, it appears one of our own has turned … and not that way.”

Henrygate reports Potti’s “toxic” team comments aren’t the ideal build-up but he is confident on home turf and predicts a Hawkwash of both JWMGC individual and Moors Kauri team for 2013.

Prediction: double spoon with Hux in the middle.



New skip (and former porn star) Henry Gate puts on a brave face but it’s hard to see him guiding these hillbillies anywhere except the clubhouse bar.

As the Marmite shortage in New Zealand begins to ease, fears of a Golden Syrup crisis threaten to overshadow the 2012 JWMGC tournament in Auckland.

As news broke that JWMGC stalwart and 2002 champion Chris Pottymouth Wagstaff has made a tactical withdrawal (bit late now Potty – Ed), shops in Auckland are stocking shelves with the molasses product as it was announced former Christ’s College prefect Rad Steakhouse will fill Potty’s hole.

The latest Horks recruit and former Wellington master brewer Gatehouse looked nervous at his first Horks press conference and seemed to answer all questions with the one standard reply – “good question, where did you go to school then?”

Wellington’s third favourite coffee supplier was more emotive in announcing his scratching from the 2012 tournament with a simple line “I won’t be shooting my load in the missus in June again.”

This late shuffle leaves the Horks with a traditionally weak line up of Hucks, Bonding, Gawn, Holland, McHardy, Pollock, Henrygate and Gatehouse. Team captain Hucks made a fruitless plea for leniency with the handicap committee, but the response from the Falcons handicap chair was swift – “Just be thankful he’ll show up.  Remember when Loz missed the 1st day and then shot a 127.”

Things don’t look good as the TAB moved the Horks from wooden spoon favourites to team most likely to never win a Kauri.



Referred to as “The Underbelly” of the Woodpecker, the Horks are nevertheless a team on the up.

Their meteoric rise within the ranks of the Woodpecker appeared at first to have been the result of the players going against their code and practising at the driving range, but it was in fact the result of something alot more sinister.

The Horks

Masterminded by Bruce “Pork Belly” Gawn, the Horks turned to the dark side and went into partnership with The Slitherins – a notorious Wellington gang believed to still be drinking Steinlager Blue. Armed with a wad of folded and pressed $50 notes from Hawk financier Craig “The Russian” Wagstaff, Gawn is believed to have instigated scorefraud – a determined effort by all of the Horks players to try and manipulate their scorecards by eraser or bribery.

The Slitherins

Tipped off by a former Magpie captain, the Woodpecker Handicapping Committee (WHC) was first alerted of possible scorefraud as far back as 2006 when Wagstaff won the Woodpecker. Sources close to The Russian believe that he acheived this by calling a 6 instead of an 8 on the demanding par 4 15th in Dannevirke (he went on to win by one shot).

The WHC then turned to acclaimed Wellington Detective Stafros “Machine” McKneely (name changed to protect his identity). McKneely was chosen to become a “mole” in order to ascertain how deeply involved in scorefraud they had become. Fortunately for McKneely, he’d never played golf before so he did not blow his cover on a friendly round with the Horks players.

Detective McHardy

McHardy in deep undercover in Gisborne 2010.

Unfortunately for Stafros his cover was mysteriously blown in Gisborne in 2010 after the Horks believed that he had been practising as he went against their hidden code and finished ahead of their captain.

“I just wanted to win The Woodpecker! These guys wouldn’t know a scorecard if it bit them on the arse – they’re just a bunch of hillbilly boguns who want to get on it and root dirty girls!”


Much will depend on the performances of the quartet of stars – Wagstaff, Bonding, Henry and McHardy. If these four fire on all cyclinders than they will hard to beat for 3rd place.

Prediction: 3rd



Arrived with a real game plan last year but it was written on a Whopper with Cheese wrapper but Dave threw it out of the window with his Chicken Nuggets on the Desert Road

Aussie slugger Hatchett Bonding returns with a new Callaway Lorenzo in what looks like a much improved lineup with the return of all players that finished last in 2009 .

An Auckland resident for 34 years, Hatchett was delighted to be back leading the charge as the star player for the Horks and was quick to dismiss rumours that he was actually a Falcon in disguise.

“Listen to me. The Horks are in my blood. The Slitherins are legends and I can’t wait to lead them to victory in 2027.”

Often referred to as “one eyed Hillbillies”, the Horks have been the bottom ranked team in the Woodpecker since the teams event began in 1864. Rumours are rife that an anonymous Hawk (Frazr Poland) is planning a hostile take-over bid in 2011 to coincide with the Rugby World Cup.

“We’ve been with the Slitherin Brothers since we were born to no avail. They seem hell bent on hell and his ugly daughters and are always out of control. We arrived with a real game plan last year but it was written on a Whopper with Cheese wrapper and aaaaahhhhhh Dave threw it out of the window with his Chicken Nuggets on the Desert Road.”

Prediction: 4th


The Horks are extremely buoyant heading into Taupo in the unfamiliar position as favourites to win the Fraser Moors Memorial Kauri.


The Horks will start as TAB favourites as they welcome back one of the greatest players to have ever played in a Woodpecker with a yellow shirt – Chris “spare ball in my pocket” Robinson.

Captain Aaron Hunks has shed his whiner tag to become a gay icon and is adamant that the Horks can go all the way in 2009.

“For the Horks, it’s not about the golf because we are the ones that charge it the most. It’s about going out there and having a really good time and just being plain silly sissies. There’s so many hunks at the tournament it’s all beefcake and brawn so there’s eye candy for all the Horks – and don’t you just love the Swannies new outfits.”

Aussie slugger Hatchett Bonding returns to what looks like being an unbeatable lineup with the return of key players Gawn, Holland and Wagstaff together with part timer David Henry and The Machine .

Prediction: Last</p >


The last apples to drop off the tree and it shows.


Perennial wooden spooners the Horks look the best bet to bounce back in 2008 after strengthening their team with the budget signings of Frazr Poland (kicked out of Magpies) and Paul Walkingtotown (no where else to go).

OssyStar player Chris Robinson’s return and then late exit is sure to upset them given that he will be replaced by newbie Richard Osborne, rumoured to play as well as Hawk legend Costa Gerondis. Given the generosity of the NZWHC with Gawn, Hucks and Donaldson all starting with 36 handicaps means that they will be looking to their back markers more than most.

Prediction: 3rd – Actual: 3rd