Both Falcon high handicappers, Steve Pond and Jake Hay have gone in 2026, with inside sources from Piha saying that they were either pushed, forgotten about or pushed and forgotten about.
Jake Hay Quits
In a sensational new development, it can be revealed that star Jake Hay then quit the team in support of Steve Pond and Melanie. Hay was last seen at The Northern Club with the Falcons Senior Leadership team (the cause of many a Falcon issue) as he jumped out of a first floor window before he had to submit his current Falcons Financial Fabrication.
It’s about being present. There needs to be less competition within the team itself.
“The way things are managed you would think the Falcons are the most successful golf team in history but they’re cellar dwellers with braggy bank balances. It’s about being present. There needs to be less competition within the team itself.”
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Magpies
He also wish to support a growing movement of being acknowledged within the Johnny Woodpecker ethos as THEM and was delighted to see Melanie come out as Him, Her, THEY, THEM, and for Steve Pond signing for the Hawx, where he said that he would undoubtedly blossom amongst the Slytherins as an A class student.
“He could achieve his life-long goal of a being in a sensual steamy shower sausage sizzle threesy with Hawx hotties Bonding and Feely. I’m so happy for him!”
Pond Bombshell as Falcons look to Birdie
It can now be revealed that star Falcon, Steve Pond was in fact left out of the starting squad in favour of Swan, Fraser Moors Kauri champion, Scott Birdie. Rumours abound that Monty Burns and Smithers broke the bank to sign Birdie, such was the influence of having a champion in the team with a golfing surname that would do wonders for their brand.
Former Falcon captain and 2007 champion, Sir Pita Hunt said “we may have to do something that we’ve never done before” (sign a player that they docked shots off back in 2008 – much to the disgust of Fabio at the time, upset at SLT members making rule changes mid-tournament).
Fabio finally spoke to Pita 10 years later wishing him a Happy 50th.
Pond was philosophical about being left out of the squad and proceeded to philosophically burn his new Falcon shirt along with his Birkenstock Arizona Birko-Flor Regulars that gave him severe tinea from wearing them at an underground Greek Sauna at Tamborine Mountain.
He was however welcomed with naked open arms by the Hawx SLT who wanted someone to play with in the shower.
