2018
After six new captains in seven years, the greatest Magpie never to win the Woodpecker, Mark Gemstone looks to steady the ship to glory. With Simon Treman forgetting his i and leaving it with The Swans, the team look as strong as ever.
Prediction: 2nd
2017
2015
More turmoil and another new captain. Over trained and under delivering.
Prediction: Last
Action: 3rd
2014
A team dressed all in black and with only one Woodpecker champion in the team, The Magpies continue to focus on the Fraser Moors Kauri at the expense of individual glory (just ask ex captain Mark Gemstone) but 2014 things look likely to change as the TAB picks the tournament winner will more than likely come from the Magpies.
Prediction: 1st
Actual: Last
2013
Another year, another new captain. Blue Boy Mivnan takes the reigns in 2013 and looks to try and bring back this rabble to it’s glory days with more attention to detail.
“Just to bring to your attention, The Magpies – greatest team ever (and often mentioned in the same breath as the All Blacks, Chelsea, Poverty Bay, and the Campion College 1st XV) is currently undergoing a full-scale review, top-to-bottom…ie we are looking at our current Board structure, the Playing and Coaching Roster, Players contracts, our Development programme, current Sponsorship agreements, etc….
“We have not put ourselves under any extra pressure by forcing this review to occur within a specific time frame, but we will definitely inform you once this review is complete.”
The Magpies franchise as a whole, has taken very seriously it’s poor performance at the last Woodpecker, reflected in Skip Kerr admirably falling on his sword immediately after the 2012 placings were made public.
Scoop – JWMGC guest reporter
2012
Until there is more selection parity between the feeder teams and less reliance on players from the Canterbury of the North there will always be unrest in The Bay.
Just like Collingwood, the JWMGC Magpies say the moniker of “the team everyone loves to hate” sits easily. Moving to their 5th captain in as many years with the steady 5 iron stroker Simon Chur, the 2012 Pies are yet another team to ring in the changes in 2012.
Solid, if not late night, performer Bollocks has been let go to make room for westie island bogan Burgess who returns for the first time since an abject failure as captain in Gisborne in 2010. However, some investigative reporting reveals all is not well in the nest of the swoopers.
Crazy crusty doctor Danger Mouse and physio to the stars Blue ‘call me Mal’ Mivnan have done little to quieten rumours of a territorial rift between the two bays of the central North.
“I can’t see this franchise really working until there is more selection parity between the feeder teams and less reliance on players from the Canterbury of the North. So as long as Tremain and Kerr keep stacking the team with collar turners south of the Wairoa, we’ll never reach the heights that Foster did with the Chiefs,” Mivnan tweeted on Tuesday.
The bookies’ response has been swift and Magpies odds have been matched to the likelihood of the ASURE Colonial Motor Lodge proprietor winning NZ Motelier of the Year.
2011
In 2010, the Magpies performed so poorly in the Day 2 singles that organisers were left with no choice but to fine and suspend their captain for match fixing.
After intense investigations by the tournment organisers, 2009 champion Malachy Sickman said that he believed that the Magpie Captain rigged the Day 1 fourballs whilst he was out in the kitchen chopping onions. “I went to get a beer, did the onions and when I came back the fourballs were done!”
Another year and another new captain – this time the 5 iron specialist Simon Chur. Much will depend on the performance of the senior veterans Johnson and Simon Schteemin but there is real concerns over the fitness of former captain Simon Schteemin who has become addicted to KFC and Joseph Kuhtze Light.
With an ageing squad it’s hard to see the Magpies being able to return to their glory days without embracing substance adbuse.
Prediction: 2nd
Actual: 1st
2010
A team full of talent that have achieved more in 2 years that the Horks will in 200.
In 2009, the Magpies finally confirmed their status as the greatest team ever only to find out that it was three days after the tournament had finished.
The only concern they have going into 2010 will be the fitness of star player Simon Schteemin who is having lumbar problems after a grueling training programme saw him hit the wall after hitting 8 consecutive balls at the driving range.
A team full of talent that have achieved more in 2 years that the Horks will in 200, the Magpies head into 2010 with an unchanged team that should see the Magpies there or thereabouts.
The team to beat – whoever finishes above them will win the tournament.
Prediction: 1st
Actual: 2nd
2009
Twelve months is a long time in sport and the warning signs have been on the wall at the Magpies ever since.
After finishing rock bottom in 2007, captain JJ “Woosie” Johnson was unceremoniously sacked from the top job suggesting that things were amiss in the Magpie camp with a splinter group from the Bay of Plenty looking for more control over team selection.
The Magpies however bounced back in the best possible way with a convincing Blackwash, a clean sweep of both singles and doubles in 2008. Such was their dominance, calls have been made for them to be proclaimed the Greatest Team Ever after they occupied the top five positions.
Twelve months is a long time in sport and the warning signs have been on the wall at the Magpies ever since. Danger’s jug skull humiliation of new captain Simon Schteemin will have caused huge ripples within the camp, and the fact that the teams trophy has remained in Hawkes Bay ever since has upset 7 iron specialists Burgess and Mivnan, both from Bay of Plenty, one of the country’s top holiday destinations for Kiwis.
The Bay of Plenty ticker tape parade without the Fraser Moors Kauri Trophy resulted in huge losses for the BOP council and Danger will not have been happy after riding his mountain bike to the event from Rotorua.
The pressure is mounting on the Magpies in 2009 as champions given the huge rift that has developed in the team after former captain Johnson was deposed in 2008.
They will have safety in knowing that apprentice Myke Bollok is playing for the Falcons and reserve Danny Smurfette with the Swans, given the fact that they will have to return to their young families in Napier under the watchful eye of their captain.
Prediction: 1st
2008
With a core of pickled professionals, many are at a loss to figure out why their flame has dimmed but others say the slump in form is due to a clash of egos.
The Magpies have a very proud tradition having been winners of the inaugural Fraser Moors Memorial Trophy, but since then the Magpies have hit rock bottom. Lang’s Beach in 2007 saw this once proud team finish a distant last amid accusations of in house bias towards using irons off the tee.
With a core of pickled professionals, many are at a loss to figure out why their flame has dimmed but others say the slump in form is due to a clash of egos and over coaching to the point of being ‘Toungue tired’.