Playergate Rocks Woodpecker

Just over one week out from the world’s greatest tournament the tension is set to erupt in a scandal that’s been dubbed “playergate”. A source close to the player selection committee says it all stemmed from a leaked memo between leading New Zealand businesses in the design, property and investment fields.

An allegation that new player nominations were based on golfing prowess as opposed to any true affilliation with the twin timbers – Woodsie and the Kauri – kicked it all off.

This ignited a maelstrom of sentiment from reps for the Falcons, Magpies and Horks. This unsavoury exchange bred the now common term “playergater” – loosely defined as anyone with an opinion on player eligibility.Swans were unavailable for comment due to a “family friendly” conference in North Canterbury. Tournament Director for 2008 and JWMGC judge aspirant Peta Hunt has attempted to make a judicial ruling that would be binding in 2009.

“Have a committee and all invitations are vetted. When player applications are in the committee decides which players and any reserves are called upon. Few are chosen and in the end, there can only be one.”


Magpies strongman Simon Schteemin had a simpler approach: “Any newbie that can’t chop his 1140ml HANZ approved jug in under 15 seconds needn’t even apply again until 2099.”

Horks mediator Alan Hunks (sic) lived up to his mild manner: “Can’t we all just get along? I don’t want it to be all playergater this, playergater that. As a second-time Dad, let’s bring more of a family vibe … just not the family vibe the South Islanders prescribe to.”


Falcons model Fabio said it’s all about sacrifice: “I’ve declined numerous lingerie modelling contracts to be at this year’s event, these playergaters just make it so like, like, like … not fair.”

Eligibility coordinator R U Truly came up with a final word on Playergate: “The doping criteria will be strictly enforced throughout the tournament.”