Swans History




Who will ever forget The Swans in 2017 in complete disarray?

Their name was changed to The Swans.

They had no captain and to make matters worse, they had the current champion from the Magpies as their guest player.

Having Tremain in The Swans was like Donald Trump defecting to North Korea.




“Was thinking how swans can make any piece of water look beautiful and serene. I mean, you can put any number of ducks and pukes in there and it’s whatever. But enter the swan and it’s ‘e aataahua!’ Eagles may soar, but swans glide…! It’s worth remembering…Kirk MacGibbon



Swans unbackable favourites

Following an unsavoury jetboat incident on Tauranga Harbour, the Swans have dedicated JWMGC 2013 to their lost brothers and the bookies have responded by putting the Southern longnecks in as raging hot favourites for the kauri.

Johnnywoodpecker.com odds analyst “Honest Dave” said the combination of playing for teammates cruelly run down by a yet unnamed jetboat driver meant the Swans would start the tournament at the short odds of $1.06.

“They’ve got a beautifully balanced team and with the return of their talisman John Weak I can’t honestly see them dropping a point.”

Swans star chocolatier Sean “hung like” Horsley took the news in casual fashion, boasting the bookies got it spot on this time.
“When you’ve got a team dripping with talent like the Swans, it is only natural that men want to be with you and women want to be like you.”

The Swans turf expert and Taniwha import Gary “snail” Trail took his skipper’s confidence and pushed it further with this confident claim.

“All my swannies brothers are in such good shape we have decided to literally drop our uniform this year and we’ll be playing the two full days completely nude as a show of masculinity, strength and support for our senior slither advisor Cowboy Shaw.”

Prediction: Swan Lake walk

Scoop – JWMGC guest reporter




You’ve got to wonder about the mentality of the Swans when their star player pulls out of the tournament to go shopping for ‘outback tan’ boots in Australia.

Just one fresh Meates in the Swans roster for 2012 sees Drew Hendrix drafted in to replace one quarter of the Swedish supergroup Benny Weakunovich who made himself unavailable in favour of a shopping trip to the Gold Coast.

“If it’s a choice between getting my hands on the latest RM Williams black polo range in Aussie and craning my long neck for stale bread at Western Springs with the rest of the Swans I guess lucky country it is.”

Scatological Swans skipper Yawn Morsely has wasted no time marshalling his cygnets as they prepare for the migratory wedge into Auckland. “It won’t be anything close to our best but that won’t be necessary to dump all over this mediocre field.”

Sliver Shaw, Black Rs, Oosef Ahmed Loveridge, Mick Fightless, Te Wahi Pounamu Trail and Fresh Meates will be rounded up by the black-necked Croatian swan Corscoroba Millichip. The talent stacked Swans have caught the eye of JWMGC official oddmakers, who list them as the team most likely to cob and pen at the malting stage of the tournament.

Swans lose star player

In what’s probably nowhere close to the scandal of Tiger Woods, but still with a strong Nordic connection, inaugural JWMGC champion John Weak (Wik) has been officially scratched from the 2012 tournament in Auckland.

The death of Wik’s golfing, business and personal style mentor Steve Jobs has had a much bigger impact than any of those in the woodpecker world may have imagined and caught many by surprise.

“He was like a Catholic priest and I was like his altar boy,” was all a teary Wik could manage when announcing his withdrawl from the 2012 field.

CrocodileSwans skip and schist magnet (sic) Yawn Morsely took a more pragmatic view and shone further light on the murky tale proffered by Wik. “Benny Bjorn or whatever his name is this week is actually going on holiday with his Missus to Australia, which is possibly the poorest excuse for a JWMGC no-show. To think we used to call the guy a Swan is embarrassing to the team. He didn’t know Steve Jobs at all, he just likes skivvies.”

It’s a change in fortune for the once inseparable Southern Lakes confidants. The pair used to regularly train together on a steady diet of calf raises and bladder strengthening work under the tutelage of renowned Swans trainer and hardman Dean “Cowboy” Shaw.

“Fuaaaaaaarken hooooooomooooooooos” was Cowboy’s succinct take on the falling out.

So as the Swans desperately search for an able replacement at the 11th hour, the entire Falcons team has been for its final fitting at Hugo Boss for its 2012 formal wear.



The Swans have become were the greatest team of all time boasting no less than six champions in their starting eight. Such is their cold-hearted one-eyed southern charm they have written a charter that only returning champions are allowed into the team.

MilliIf the Swans are said to have a weakness then it is probably their rear gunner, Nikolai Milliczup. When asked recently about the Swans and their winning streak he said:

“Have unlimited vision under it. Have enthusiasm and faith in what it can do. Without this vision you will become discouraged with the situation at hand; with it you will know that with it all things are possible. Beginning with things as they are and having the vision of what it can do, has made the Swans an unbeatable team. 10,000 hours in 10,000 days.”

On home soil and playing local courses will only make the Swans even harder to beat.



The Swans are truly one of greatest teams ever boasting no less than five champions in their starting eight. Nevertheless they are determined to win a Fraser Moors Kauri on merit alone.

Star player Deane Surewas in buoyant mood heading into 2010.

“As far as we are concerned we won the Tane Mahuta on both occasions and we celebrated as such. No-one can take that away from us and if that Jafa Slaphead or that Magpie Property Mogul think otherwise then they can suck my Otago Wine Company cork.”


“Don’t get surprised if a man gets naked on a golf course whilst – hey look at the light coming through those trees over there!”

The karma from throwing out Magpie apprentice Danny Smurfette will need a huge effort from returning champion “Two Boobies” Loveridge if they are going to feature in 2010.



Swans captain Yawn Morsely described his team’s performance as “dire” after the Swans put in their worst performance in 2008 to finish a distant last – a first in their history.

When asked about team selection and his performance as a Claytons captain, he reiterated that this year every Swan was playing for their golfing careers.

Horsley’s own career was almost tragically cut short in 2006 at 16 Raines Road, Whangamata when he was caught in a mudslide that left him naked and running for his life.



The Swans confirmed their status as an emerging power by winning the 2007 Fraser Moors on a count back after tying with the Falcons in match play. Containing no fewer than four past Woodpecker champions including legends Barry Traill and Sir John Weak the Swans are widely regarded as the Manchester United of teams golf.

Wykstorm, the richest man in Queenstown, is rumoured to have broken the Woodpecker salary cap on Traill alone. The team remain unchanged from 2007 and hence should be there or thereabouts come presentation time.