In this exclusive undercover investigation by Detective Steve McSofty (name changed to protect identity), we can reveal the true elephant in the Woodpecker. The mental and financial aftermath from the collateral damage, more and more mattress and furniture damage every year.
Dr Stallone, co-founder of the Let it Go Foundation, has been involved for many years with research and support for all those involved, in particular the tournament organisers.
“It is the organisers that suffer the most, hit with a sudden jolt to their wallets, just as everything seems to be perfect. After a chaotic weekend of old men behaving badly, the organiser is relieved to get to the Sunday morning checkout after a successful tournament, with no one injured and the satisfaction of a job well done. That’s until they complete the final checkout and discover the truth. The Brown Bomber (also known as a Dump Trucker) and his gang of firetruckers have wrecked havoc on the furnishings!”
The Firetrucker Stages
There are four stages to qualifying as a fully certified firetrucker, but to become a dumptrucker, one has to be a fully-fledged fiend.
History
2002 – Dannevirke Deluge
In 2002, the sleepy rural service town in the Manawatū-Whanganui region hosted Woodpecker III. Champion Simon Chur supported a local motel who were delighted to host twenty golfers from across the country. Little did they know that the motel would never be the same again. A Slytherin rampage, on the back of Tequila shots till dawn, fuelled the fire that would soon become a deluge, as the first sign of the firetruckers emerged the next day with not one, but three matresses drying in the sun outside the rooms of the two Swans and a Hawx.
We’ve had entire rugby teams through here and never have we seen anything like this!
Bev & Barry Blunt – Motel owners
It was later revealed that the Brown Bomber had also struck and blocked one toilet so badly it took not one but two local plumbers to fix the issue with help from a local sewerage extraction unit.
2006 – Whangamata Waster
In 2006, McSofty was on hand to witness a terrible accident. A lack of toilet facilities at the host venue resulted in Yawn Morsely being the victim of a scared neighbour after fighting back a fierce turtlehead for 95 minutes.
“I was desperate and tried to release the krakon on the neighbours foliage cover, but I was spotted in the release position and she called the police. They arrived almost immediately, so I had to make a dash for it, but as I was running the turtlehead blew into a full blown shart and there were no prisoners. The police could fully understand the severity of my situation, and we went back to the neighbour to explain and apologise for what was simply a terrible accident. It could have happened to anybody.”
2009 – Taupo Torrent
In 2009, tournament organiser Sid had to deal with an irate Motel owner, after one of the Swans was found naked in a spare room, having spilled their “wine” everywhere. This was after some guests weren’t able to leave the motel after getting stuck in the carpark behind a huge magpie.
2010 – Gisborne Gas
In 2010, McSofty thought that he had finally caught the Brown Bomber once and for all but it turned out to be a false alarm. An unfortunate pant sharting by Aussie Porl “Poomanchoo” Toya just before tee off at the Gisborne Park Golf Club resulted in the course being closed for 70 minutes whilst the local Gisborne Council toxic clean up crew ensured that the clubhouse facilities were safe to enter.
McSofty said that Toya matched the profile perfectly. “He’s a big lad, capable of getting above the waterline on every dump, so we had to take this matter very seriously. In the end, it was just an unfortunate incident as a result of too much hot chilli and 27 cans of Gisborne Gold the night before, that weakened his bowel. It could have happened to anybody.”
Toya was never seen again.
2011 – Wanaka Washout
In 2011, champion Yawn Morsely decided to host the event in his hometown of Wanaka – a huge mistake. He organised high end accommodation when the brief for champions was to get low-end old matted bedding. It not only cost him his personal reputaion, but he had to sell his local cafe to cover the cost of the lawsuit. Such was the blockage caused by the Brown Bomber, the accommodation manager was in tears when he checked out, distraught with not only a plumbing system rendered useless, but from the anger of customers checking out complaining about the lack of sleep, and refusing to pay their bill (they were on the same floor as the Slytherins).
2019 – The Brown Bomber
New Plymouth organiser Don Sure had his worst fears materialise at a luxury Opunake lodge as the Brown Bomber had struck completely blocking the feature toilet for the entire weekend. Detective McSofty was on hand to try and find out just who was responsible and was only minutes away from catching the perpetrator.
“I knew this could happen but we haven’t seen a dump like this since Wanaka back in 2011. It’s definitely the Brown Bomber. I would say that he was recently in Rotorua given the hint of Suplhur from what can only be called a gino-dump. Only a complete and utter fiend would be able to drop a load like that!”
“They’ve called in Frank from Opunake Haulage and Drain – those pipes are going to be down for some time!”
2024 – Cambridge Cascade
The Cambridge cascade is still unconfirmed as McSofty gathers more evidence. Fortunately organiser Major factored in the “washout margin” for furniture damage as part of the entry fees – the way forward for any future champion.
As a traditional old school detective McSofty, did not believe in gathering DNA evidence (that would have solved this case back in 2011 by taking a stool sample) but prefers to focus on good, solid detective work. Using strong analytical and problem-solving skills, meticulous attention to detail, and the ability to gather and analyze information effectively to uncover the truth.
“Bring on the Pauanui Pines Motor Lodge. It is time to bring down the Brown Bomber and his firetruckers.”
