The Underbelly of The Woodpecker

Often referred to as “The Underbelly” of the Woodpecker, the Horks are nevertheless a team on the up. Their meteoric rise within the ranks of the Woodpecker appeared at first to have been the result of the players going against their code and practicing at the driving range, but it was in fact the result of something a lot more sinister.

Masterminded by Spruce”Pork Belly” Lawn, the Horks turned to the dark side and went into partnership with The Slytherins – a notorious Wellington gang believed to still be drinking Steinlager Blue.

Armed with a wad of folded and pressed $50 notes from Horks financier Cristal “Fidelio” Wagstaff, Lawn is believed to have instigated scorefraud – a determined effort by all of the Horks players to try and manipulate their scorecards by eraser or bribery.

Tipped off by a former Magpie captain, the Woodpecker Handicapping Committee (WHC) was first alerted of possible scorefraud as far back as 2006 when Wagstaff won the Woodpecker. Sources close to him believe that he achieved this by calling a 6 instead of an 8 on the demanding par four 15th in Dannevirke (he went on to win by one shot).

The WHC then turned to acclaimed Detective Steve “Machine” McSofty (name changed to protect his identity), who became a “mole” in order to ascertain how  involved in scorefraud they had become. Fortunately for McSofty, he’d never played golf before so did not blow his cover on a friendly round with the players.


McSofty in deep undercover in Gisborne 2010.

Unfortunately for McSofty, all his hard work was blown as he was caught practicing in Gisborne in 2010.

“I just wanted to win The Woodpecker! These guys wouldn’t know a scorecard if it bit them on the arse – they’re just a bunch of hillbilly boguns who want to get on it and meet dirty girls!”