2024 Handicaps

Player NZG AVG HC 2024
Steve Pond None 69.5 36
Jake Hay None 48.0 36
Spruce Lawn None 39.2 36
Steve McSofty None 38.0 36
Jon Jon Waveless 32.6 38.2 35
Arran Hunks None 45.5 34
Mick Nillichip None 33.5 34
Deane Sure None 41.3 32
Frazr Poland None 34.3 32
Dean Brownarse None 33.2 32
Malachy Sickman None 42.8 31
Drewe Meetz None 31.5 31
Danny Muftit None 30.8 31
Paul Walkingtotown 29.3 39.0 31
Dave Wayward None 34.7 29
Mark Would None 30.5 29
Simon Schteemin 27.1 28.7 29
Dr Zooce None 29.3 28
Blowin Brown None 29.0 28
Larry Bonding 25.2 26.8 27
Simon Chur None 30.2 27
Chris Twopoohs None 26.5 26
Nuda Vaginor 29.9 31.3 26
Mick Fight 21.5 28.8 25
Butch Castles     24
Gayson Feely 24
Mark Gemstone 20.7 23.0 23
Cristal Wagstaff None 25.2 22
Craig Sudoku None 24.8 22
Mr Burguezz 19.2 27.1 22
Juan Stoked 25.7 30.3 22
John Loveanich None 22.3 21
Don Sure 18.8 20.0 21
Myke Bollok None 23.5 18
Fabio Rossini 16.3 21.8 18
Danny Lee 15.5 19.5 18
Yawn Morsely 14.3 16.5 16
Barry Traill 9.6 16.2 12
Peta Hunt 9.6 12.3 12
Steve Humperdinck 1.2 5.8 3

2023 – Handicap Lollifest


The current process of requesting handicapping adjustments has been scrapped and those players that have an NZGA handicap get +2 for slope variance and blauzen-heizenkoosen (a new word introduced by the committee to cover everything else).

Overall Team Adjustments

  • Falcons +3
  • Magpies +6
  • Swans +7
  • Horks +13

Team HC Averages

  • Horks 30.7
  • Magpies 28.5
  • Falcons 24.4
  • Swans 22.3

Biggest Bumbles by HC

  • Stealin +8
  • Sickman +5
  • Gemstone +4
  • Poland +4
  • Burgled -10

Just goes to show. You choke too many years in a row and the system changes on you and suddenly you’re -10

“What it does is bring everyone back into it and we’re struggling to determine the current favourite as you could spread a blanket over the chances now (except for those that haven’t won it)”
TAB Spokesperson


2022 – Swans Dominate Awards

The former greatest team ever to play in the Johnny Woodpecker just became even stronger and has become the favourite to win the Kauri Trophy after the Handicapping Committee awarded the Swans an additional 9 shots to their handicaps. Much has been made of the profound influence of new Swan captain Barry “Whiria te tāngata” Traill after their previous captain John Loveanitch preferred to focus on the buzz from anal menthol vaping.