2025 Handicaps
| Player | Team | Status | Average | NZG | Avg | LAST HC | + / - | 2025 | Change |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Darren Stalone | Magpie | C | 98.6 | 26.6 | 26 | 0.6 | 28 | 2 | |
| Jake Hay | Falcon | Y | 117.4 | 45.4 | 36 | 9.4 | 36 | 0 | |
| Dr Zooce | Falcon | C | 100.2 | 28.2 | 28 | 0.2 | 28 | 0 | |
| Dave Wayward | Falcon | C | 104.1 | 32.1 | 29 | 3.1 | 29 | 0 | |
| Steve Pond | Falcon | Y | 131.3 | 59.3 | 36 | 23.3 | 36 | 0 | |
| Rad Steakhouse | Fantail | Y | 133.5 | 61.5 | 36 | 25.5 | 36 | 0 | |
| Spruce Lawn | Hawx | Y | 112.1 | 40.1 | 36 | 4.1 | 36 | 0 | |
| Cristal Wagstaff | Hawx | C | 96.6 | 24.6 | 22 | 2.6 | 22 | 0 | |
| Alaine Hunks | Hawx | C | 115.7 | 43.7 | 34 | 9.7 | 34 | 0 | |
| Gayson Feely | Hawx | NB | 104.5 | 32.5 | 24 | 8.5 | 24 | 0 | |
| Simon Chur | Magpie | C | 102.3 | 30.3 | 27 | 3.3 | 27 | 0 | |
| Malachy Sickman | Magpie | C | 112.2 | 40.2 | 31 | 9.2 | 31 | 0 | |
| Jon Loveanich | Swan | C | 95.0 | 23.0 | 21 | 2.0 | 21 | 0 | |
| Deane Sure | Swan | C | 112.3 | 40.3 | 32 | 8.3 | 32 | 0 | |
| Steve McSofty | Hawx | C | 106.9 | 34.9 | 36 | (1.1) | 31 | -5 | |
| Dean Brownarse | Swan | C | 104.8 | 32.8 | 32 | 0.8 | 31 | -1 | |
| Chris Twopoohs | Hawx | Y | 97.3 | 25.3 | 26 | (0.7) | 27 | 1 | |
| Mick Nillichip | Swan | Y | 106.1 | 34.1 | 34 | 0.1 | 35 | 1 | |
| Mark Lawless | Falcon | Y | 81.8 | 8.0 | 9.8 | 10 | (0.3) | 10 | 0 |
| Danny Muftit | Swan | Y | 101.6 | 29.6 | 31 | (1.4) | 31 | 0 | |
| Drewes Clues | Swan | Y | 106.3 | 34.3 | 31 | 3.3 | 31 | 0 | |
| Steve Humperdinck | Swans | Y | 76.7 | 3.0 | 4.7 | 3 | 1.7 | 5 | 2 |
| Barry Traill | Swan | C | 86.7 | 9.3 | 14.7 | 12 | 2.7 | 11 | -1 |
| Pita Hunt | Falcon | C | 83.8 | 8.6 | 11.8 | 12 | (0.2) | 11 | -1 |
| John Weak | Swan | C | 80.0 | 10.4 | 8.0 | 11 | (3.0) | 12 | 1 |
| Knott Girley | Fantail | NB | 88.0 | 14.2 | 16.0 | 16 | 0.0 | 12 | -4 |
| Yawn Morsley | Swan | C | 88.9 | 14.9 | 16.9 | 16 | 0.9 | 17 | 1 |
| Mike Smyth | Hawx | Y | 98.7 | 14.3 | 26.7 | 30 | (3.3) | 16 | -14 |
| Fabio Rossini | Falcon | C | 93.3 | 16.1 | 21.3 | 18 | 3.3 | 18 | 0 |
| Danny Lee | Hawx | Y | 90.3 | 16.5 | 18.3 | 18 | 0.3 | 18 | 0 |
| Ross Grunt | Magpie | NB | None | 18 | 0 | ||||
| Don Sure | Falcon | C | 95.1 | 18.7 | 23.1 | 20 | 3.1 | 21 | 1 |
| Sir Tim Burgess | Magpie | Y | 99.8 | 19.7 | 27.8 | 22 | 5.8 | 22 | 0 |
| Myke Bollok | Hawx | C | 95.1 | 20.7 | 23.1 | 18 | 5.1 | 23 | 5 |
| Mark Gemstone | Magpie | C | 93.3 | 20.5 | 21.3 | 23 | (1.7) | 20 | -3 |
| Mick Fight | Swan | Y | 98.9 | 22.7 | 26.9 | 25 | 1.9 | 25 | 0 |
| Larry Bonding | Hawx | C | 98.9 | 23.1 | 26.9 | 27 | (0.1) | 25 | -2 |
| Sid | Magpie | C | 96.4 | 23.6 | 24.4 | 22 | 2.4 | 26 | 4 |
| Blowin Brown | Magpie | NB | 100.3 | 24.0 | 28.3 | 28 | 0.3 | 22 | -6 |
| Simon Schteemin | Magpie | C | 101.0 | 26.2 | 29.0 | 29 | 0.0 | 28 | -1 |
| Long Stokes | Falcon | C | 104.5 | 27.4 | 32.5 | 22 | 10.5 | 22 | 0 |
| Paul Walkingtotown | Magpie | Y | 112.4 | 29.3 | 40.4 | 31 | 9.4 | 31 | 0 |
| Red Wood | Falcon | Y | 102.5 | 29.7 | 30.5 | 29 | 1.5 | 32 | 3 |
| Nude Major | Magpie | C | 103.9 | 32.4 | 31.9 | 26 | 5.9 | 28 | 2 |
| Jon Jon Waveless | Falcon | Y | 110.4 | 34.9 | 38.4 | 35 | 3.4 | 36 | 1 |
| Frazr Poland | Hawx | C | 105.2 | 36.0 | 33.2 | 32 | 1.2 | 35 | 3 |
2024 Handicaps
| Player | NZG | AVG HC | 2024 |
| Steve Pond | None | 69.5 | 36 |
| Jake Hay | None | 48.0 | 36 |
| Spruce Lawn | None | 39.2 | 36 |
| Steve McSofty | None | 38.0 | 36 |
| Jon Jon Waveless | 32.6 | 38.2 | 35 |
| Alaine Hunks | None | 45.5 | 34 |
| Mick Nillichip | None | 33.5 | 34 |
| Deane Sure | None | 41.3 | 32 |
| Frazr Poland | None | 34.3 | 32 |
| Dean Brownarse | None | 33.2 | 32 |
| Malachy Sickman | None | 42.8 | 31 |
| Drewes Clues | None | 31.5 | 31 |
| Danny Muftit | None | 30.8 | 31 |
| Paul Walkingtotown | 29.3 | 39.0 | 31 |
| Dave Wayward | None | 34.7 | 29 |
| Mark Would | None | 30.5 | 29 |
| Simon Schteemin | 27.1 | 28.7 | 29 |
| Dr Zooce | None | 29.3 | 28 |
| Blowin Brown | None | 29.0 | 28 |
| Larry Bonding | 25.2 | 26.8 | 27 |
| Simon Chur | None | 30.2 | 27 |
| Chris Twopoohs | None | 26.5 | 26 |
| Nuda Major | 29.9 | 31.3 | 26 |
| Mick Fight | 21.5 | 28.8 | 25 |
| Butch Castles | 24 | ||
| Gayson Feely | 24 | ||
| Mark Gemstone | 20.7 | 23.0 | 23 |
| Cristal Wagstaff | None | 25.2 | 22 |
| Sid | None | 24.8 | 22 |
| Sir Tim Burgess | 19.2 | 27.1 | 22 |
| Long Strokes | 25.7 | 30.3 | 22 |
| John Loveanich | None | 22.3 | 21 |
| Don Sure | 18.8 | 20.0 | 21 |
| Myke Bollok | None | 23.5 | 18 |
| Fabio Rossini | 16.3 | 21.8 | 18 |
| Danny Lee | 15.5 | 19.5 | 18 |
| Yawn Morsely | 14.3 | 16.5 | 16 |
| Barry Traill | 9.6 | 16.2 | 12 |
| Pita Hunt | 9.6 | 12.3 | 12 |
| Steve Humperdinck | 1.2 | 5.8 | 3 |
2023 – Handicap Lollifest
The current process of requesting handicapping adjustments has been scrapped and those players that have an NZGA handicap get +2 for slope variance and blauzen-heizenkoosen (a new word introduced by the committee to cover everything else).
Overall Team Adjustments
- Falcons +3
- Magpies +6
- Swans +7
- Hawx +13
Team HC Averages
- Hawx 30.7
- Magpies 28.5
- Falcons 24.4
- Swans 22.3
Biggest Bumbles by HC
- Stealin +8
- Sickman +5
- Gemstone +4
- Poland +4
- Burgled -10
“What it does is bring everyone back into it and we’re struggling to determine the current favourite as you could spread a blanket over the chances now (except for those that haven’t won it)”
TAB Spokesperson
Another year, another debacle with the Handicapping Committee.
In an unprecedented move, the Falcons have tried to manipulate the handicapping process by excluding the Magpie captain from proceedings and instead bringing in former Fantail captain Rad Steakhouse. This exclusive undercover article shows the lengths that the Falcons will go to, to try and win.
NB: Names and identities have been changed to images to protect the safety of the players
There’s been some chitter-chatter about the usual woodpecker handicaps and the NZ Golf handicaps. How to avoid a debacle like Johnny winning again (not that he would want to) on a Woodpecker HC. Any ideas on ways to make it fair for the moaning Swans – I mean Horsley?
I will give this some thought. Nothing wrong with Johnny winning every event. He runs a good show.
If you love gay Christian camps and wild bush retreats.
Proposal
- If you have NZGA use that + 2 shots. It is based on the best 8 of your last 20 rounds so is not an average. If no NZGA then the handicap committee is allocated based on Woodpecker average scores and any submissions.
- If never won you get a max +5 from the handicap assessed as above. This can be reduced e.g. if playing in your first JWMGC you would probably get +0. If playing in your 3rd you may get +2.
- No discount for winning multiple times. If you don’t have NZGA then the committee may knock you down.
- Easy system for all to understand. We want to encourage NZGA as that is the best measure of a man’s game
If you want to be a tournament golfer – i.e. in Hawx case one major a year – then NZGA is irrelevant. I like the fact that a Danger or Jude can be measured as long as they put in their cards. As it is a gentlemen’s prerogative to actually hand in your cards I don’t see that working for dodgy burglars.
Ok. So we make the NZGA rule subject to a burglary adjustment as assessed by the handicap. I think that would rarely be invoked as who would seek to cheat their mates? You can see all the posted rounds on the NZGA site so you will get an idea if someone is not submitting cards.
Why isn’t Tim on this? Isn’t he a captain? I assumed he was.
It is only at this stage, former Falcon captain Jake Hay adds the Magpie captain to the WhatsApp group, and a vote is passed to create a new handicapping system with the motion passed with the Magpies opposing.
New Handicap System
- If you have NZGA use that + 2 shots. (It is based on the best 8 of your last 20 rounds so is not an average).
- If no NZGA then the handicap committee (HC) allocate handicap based on Woodpecker average scores and any submissions.
- If never won you get at most +5 added to the handicap assessed as above. This can be reduced by HC e.g. if playing in your first Woodpecker you would probably get +0. If playing in your 3rd you may get +2.
- No discount for winning multiple times. If you don’t have NZGA then the committee may knock you down.
- All NZGA are subject to Burglary Adjustment at the discretion of HC – applied to those not handing in cards.
2022 – Swans Dominate Awards
The former greatest team ever to play in the Johnny Woodpecker just became even stronger and has become the favourite to win the Kauri Trophy after the Handicapping Committee awarded the Swans an additional 9 shots to their handicaps. Much has been made of the profound influence of new Swan captain Barry “Whiria te tāngata” Traill after their previous captain John Loveanitch preferred to focus on the buzz from anal menthol vaping.
