2024 – Steve McSofty
Steve McSofty bounced back in impressive fashion after having to sleep in the corridor of the team hotel after being locked out of his room.
Read More
Cambridge 2024 – Swans
Yawn Morsely confirmed his status as the greatest Swan captain ever after a dominant performance in 2024.
Read More
The Magpies release MagpieGPT
There’s a poster in the office of the CEO of a well known Hawkes Bay real estate company that has no titties and arse on it.
Read More
Making The Horks® Handsome Again
Donald Trump has the saying “Making America Great Again” – now The Horks® have copied it thanks to their new captain.
Read More
2023 – Nude Vaginor
He iti hau marangai e tū te pāhokahoka – Just like a rainbow after the storm, success follows failure.
Read More
Ahipara 2023 – Falcons
Inspirational new captain Jon Jon Wavish becomes the first ever Falcon captain to win on debut.
Read More
Stealin the Favouritism
The TAB has asked for verification of 2016 Champion Simon Schteemin’s NZGA scorecards from last year amid concerns of inflatio scorus.
Read More
The Magnificent Magpies
It’s hard to come to superlatives for the Magnificent Magpies who continue to dominate the sport like no other.
Read More
Swans ageing like a fine Pinot
The last time the Swans won any trophy was 11 years ago playing on their local course in Wanaka.
Read More
Sickman Legend Grows
Sickman is vindicated by his boldness in going against the brief and mixing colours to create a top for the ages.
Read More
The Maori and the Pīwakawaka
Horks look to local iwi and Pīwakawaka legend to bring home the Fraser Moors Memorial Trophy.
Read More
Handicap Controversy
After 25 years of the status quo and if it ain’t broke, the Mosquito and the Falcons look to change history.
Read More
Falcons sack SLT
Jon Jon Waveless has taken over the captaincy of the Falcons with Jake Hay moving to a talent identification role.
Read More
An Ode to the Handicaps
Hail you Capulet contrivers, supporters of NZGA sageness, cut me not to the quick with your sharp penned reduction.
Read More
2022 – Juan Stoked
Juan I love how you have broken the mould and now anyone can be a double champ.
Read More
Minor the Major
Any normal person that continued to lose untold balls and was forced to skull jugs of beer would have given up.
Read More
Shivellosis and COVID-19
Health investigators are looking into a possible link between Shivellosis and COVID-19.
Read More
Mr Incredible 3rd Favourite
Horks captain Alaine Hunks, known as the Mosquito has named himself Mr. Incredible, because he says he is.
Read More
Once Were Golfers
Did you know that Steve Humperdinck, the greatest golfer to have ever played in the JWMGC can never win?
Read More
2021 – Darren Stalone
Darren Stallone finally showed his true burglar potential with a comfortable win in Martinborough.
Read More
Spruce Lawn Favourite
Veteran Horks Spruce Lawn has become the player to beat and the new TAB favourite to win Johnny Woodpecker XXIII.
Read More
Falcons rift grows
Once the self-proclaimed greatest team to ever play in the Woodpecker, the Falcons are now a complete shambles.
Read More
The Only True Falcons
Happy and still very much in love. Swan lovers Loveanitch and Brownarse reveal their secret formula for staying fresh and gay.
Read More
Yawn Morsely favourite to Repeat
They say it’s only a matter of time before Yawn Morsely shows his true girth and get’s it out for the punters for all to see and winning again.
Read More
Bonding loses Funds
Larry Bonding has lost anywhere between 10% and 50% of the Woodpecker Fund due to very very very poor investment decisions.
Read More
Magpie News
Fart Letgo major event sponsor Simon Schteemin said that it was inevitable that the popular yearly event would be cancelled.
Read More
2020 – Mark Gemstone
Gemstone finally achieved Woodpecker champion status after what seems like a decade of chances that were at his mercy.
Read More
Horks mega deal
The Horks have signed a mega five year deal with online dating service Grindr with immediate effect including replacing their brand image.
Read More
Day two fourballs
The fourball draw under supervision was taken out of a hat randomly and then manipulated according to a secret sauce Canterbury recipe.
Read More
Concerns about Gemstone
Mark Gemstone may incur the wrath of team protocol by going out on a date at the Elton John concert with his new lover.
Read More
Falcon signs for Horks
Horks legend Spruce Lawn meets Falcon veteran Woodward to discuss Tinder, Bumble and The Camel Presidency…
Read More
Craig Sudoku into hall of fame
Congratulations to Craig Sudoku on his inclusion into the Woodpecker hall of fame. A legend of the Johnny Woodpecker.
Read More
Greatest fears confirmed
Firetrucking has become so prevalent during the tournament it has become difficult for organisers to arrange suitable accommodation.
Read More
Falcons look to pinup
The Falcons have flown former lead singer and boy band pinup Jake Hay as cover with 2012 champion Woodward doubtful with a runny nose.
Read More
Mr Muftit & the Swans
Star player Dan Murfitt (Mr Murfitt to the players) is becoming recognised as a real force and expert on educating old Swans Hirangatanga.
Read More
Swans hit rock bottom
The once-mighty Swans have hit an all-time low to be ranked to worst team ever with Blackwell a slither of the leader Weak or Horsley were.
Read More
Horks Star Hero
I would like to introduce Larry, my client and friend who has been trekking for the past 11 days …
Read More
An Unashamed Fix
Champions Attempted ruse Plays into Hands of Sea Monster An unashamed fix by defending champ* Mike Rhymeswith looks as …
Read More
Top 10 Propsects for 2018
10 – Yawn Morsely The only PAST champ in the list – has been in the final four a …
Read More
Falcons Smash Salary Cap
The Falcons have smashed the salary cap to sign Australian based player Mark “Falcon” Lawler from The Horks. Laws, …
Read More
An Ode to The Woodpecker
In the absence of a table top Virgin speech Although this is not quite Dr Suess It does involve …
Read More
Falcons sign Muslim
New Falcon leader The Don has backtracked on earlier promises with the signing of star Muslim golfer Jake Hay, …
Read More
Stokes Storms Home!
— FALCONS SHOCKED AS THE PEOPLE SPEAK OUT — As the world takes a collective gasp of disbelief in …
Read More
Falcons Ring the Changes
New Falcons supremo Juan Stoked has masterminded a five talon plan to bring the Auckland franchise the kauri premiership …
Read More
Magpies discuss truce
It’s only when a Mosquito lands on your testicles that you realise there is always a way to solve problems without violence.
Read More
Minor becomes a Major
Magpies skipper and presidential candidate Simon Trumpmain will not front on day two of the 2016 classic.
Read More
Where is Roly Poly Oly?
The Truth Behind the Woodpecker XVII Debarcle If playing a Woodpecker during the World Cup cricket quarterfinals was a …
Read More
What a Load Of
Bollocks ~ A highly flexible term commonly used by the English. 1. something rubbish 2. a falsehood or series …
Read More
The Horks Secret Revealed
How did the Horks manage their first ever win after years of being losers? What did David Ogilivy have …
Read More
Handicaps of The Woodpecker
Magpie Pride Coming in at number 5 is Magpie Pride. Year in year out, the annual handicapping system is …
Read More
An Ode to Golf
A golf course is merely land being primed for high end residential real estate and a lifestyle investment for …
Read More
Concerns Mount over Woodpecker XIV
In a stunning revelation we can reveal the truth behind the debarcle that is the organisation for the forthcoming …
Read More
New Breed of Horks
There’s a new breed of firetrucker Hawk in town and given that the 2013 Woodpecker will be in their …
Read More
The Horks Reveal The Hunx
The Horks formerly known as The Horks The Slitherins The Hillbilies Alan’s Boyz have once again changed their name …
Read More
JWMGC Selection Controversy
Allegations surrounding JWMGC selection criteria in 2009 are hot and getting hotter. The latest punch thrown in this brawl …
Read MoreChampion Becomes a Woman
It seems as if the man that came from nowhere to win the 2008 JWMGC has reinvented himself – …
Read More
Swans Lose Star Player to Shopping
In what’s probably nowhere close to the scandal of Tiger Woods, but still with a strong Nordic connection, inaugural …
Read More
Playergate Rocks Woodpecker
Just over one week out from the world’s greatest tournament the tension is set to erupt in a scandal …
Read More