Never let the truth get in the way of a good story
2026 Danny Muftit
Swan legend Danny Muftit finally nailed it in Matamata after a sensational playoff with fellow Swan Mick Nillichip.
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2026 Swans Tirau
The Swans made it three from three with a closely fought victory over the Hawx and Magpies in Tirau.
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Falcons Lead Top & Bottom
Falcon Dr Zooce leads a tightly congested field as Hawx star recruit Feely shoots a personal best.
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The Magpie Triad
Every sporting competition faces the truth that one team has been quietly, ruthlessly, dominating for years.
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Swans Culture Crisis
What began as a discrete cultural review has exploded into one of the biggest controversies in Woodpecker history. Guest Writer
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Melanie and Them
For most of his tournament life, Mel felt like he was reading from a script someone else had written. The Magpie Charter.
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Falcons Farce Fears Flourish
Friends of the Falcons say that they’re farked without their high handicappers to provide burglar cover in a tight recesssion.
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The Forgotten Players
From 2011 to 2021, every single champion had been “boosted” with extra handicap points to help them win as part of the original charter.
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Magpies Move Goalposts
After two months of internal turmoil, former Magpie Major and Chur are now on their own. (Guest Writer)
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2025 Swans Hikuai
Former powerhouse team, the Swans showed that they are back and the team to beat with a convincing victory in the rain.
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2025 Sir Tim Burgess
Sir Tim Burgess has become a better golfer and won in style taking Sir Peter’s status off him in the process.
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Worst Captains Ever
In response to multiple complaints from players (NZG players) an internal investigation has revealed the source of the corruption.
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Drewe the Blue that was Red
When Long Strokes created the Fantails as a feeder system for newbies, no-one imagined that he was creating a cockfest.
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The Fire Chief and the Elephant
Every past champion knows the real reason why they never want to win the trophy twice and that is the dreaded firetruckers.
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The Rise and Rise of The Burglar
Danny Muftit shot -23 and finished second. Any other year bar 2024 he would have won by at least 7 shots.
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Calypso Collapso
From the highs of becoming only the second player to win twice to the lows of having to be on the lookout for cock.
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Let it Go Foundation
There are a number of treatments available for male pattern baldness, but no cure. We help senior men cope with their loss.
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Pond Betting Turns to Flood
A massive betting plunge on Steve Pond has forced the TAB to stop taking any bets on the new favourite.
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The Magpies release MagpieGPT
There’s a poster in the office of the CEO of a Hawkes Bay real estate company that has no titties and arse on it.
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Making The Hawx Handsome
Donald Trump has the saying “Making America Great Again” – now The Hawx have copied it thanks to their new captain.
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Schteemin TAB Favourite
2016 Champion Simon Schteemin has had to resubmit his scorecards amid concerns of inflatio scorus.
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The Magnificent Magpies
It’s hard to come to superlatives for the Magnificent Magpies who continue to dominate the sport like no other.
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Swans ageing like a fine Pinot
The last time the Swans won any trophy was 11 years ago playing on their local course in Wanaka.
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Sickman Legend Grows
Sickman is vindicated by his boldness in going against the brief and mixing colours to create golfing outer-wear for the ages.
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The Maori and the Pīwakawaka
Hawx look to local iwi and Pīwakawaka legend to bring home the Fraser Moors Memorial Trophy.
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WhatsApp Handicapping Debarcle
After 25 years of the status quo and if it ain’t broke, the Mosquito and the Falcons look to change history.
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Falcons sack SLT
Jon Jon Waveless has taken over the captaincy of the Falcons with Jake Hay moving to a talent identification role.
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An Ode to the Handicaps
Hail you Capulet contrivers, supporters of NZGA sageness, cut me not to the quick with your sharp penned reduction.
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Minor the Major
Any normal person that continued to lose untold balls and was forced to skull jugs of beer would have given up.
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Magpie Tom
A wee David Bowie-esque verse about the only way the Slytherins can beat the Magpies top duo at Moose Lodge.
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Shivellosis and COVID-19
Health investigators are looking into a possible link between Magpie Mal Sickman’s Shivellosis and the COVID-19 virus.
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Once Were Golfers
Did you know that Steve Humperdinck, the greatest golfer to have ever played in the Johnny Woodpecker can never win?
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The Only True Kārearea
Happy and still very much in love. Swan lovers Loveanitch and Brownarse reveal their secret formula for staying fresh and gay.
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Event Cancelled
Fart Letgo major event sponsor Simon Schteemin said that it was inevitable that the popular yearly event would be cancelled.
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Mr Muftit & the Swans
Mr Murfitt is becoming recognised as a real force and expert on educating old Swans Hirangatanga.
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Hawx Star Hero
Hawx star Larry Bonding helped save the life of stranded French trekker up on Mount Everest Base Camp.
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Falcons Smash Salary Cap
Fabio Rossini said they were delighted to sign someone of Lawless’s calibre but said it had nothing to do with the golf.
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An Ode to The Woodpecker
Hawx vetarn Mike Smyth with his Ode to the Woodpecker from his time at the Fiji Classic in Denerau.
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Minor becomes a Major
Rumours are beginning to surface that Simon Schteemin will not front on day two of the 2016 JWMGC classic.
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Handicaps of The Woodpecker
We review the chances of each team winning the Fraser Moors Memorial trophy and highlight each teams weakness.
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An Ode to Golf
A golf course is merely land being primed for high end residential real estate and a lifestyle investment for the wealthy.
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JWMGC Selection Controversy
Allegations surrounding JWMGC selection criteria are getting hotter and that a bunch of JAFAs get to decide who plays.
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Organiser Solves Space Crisis
Tournament organiser Dean Brownarse answered his critics today when he managed to find alternative accommodation for the Swans.
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The Greatest Team Ever?
Alaine Hunks explains the how the Hawx rallied around McSofty after he failed a drugs test (he was deemed negative).
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Keg Ordered for Skulls
Sergeant-at-arms Simon Schteemin has been licking his lips at the prospect of watching the chokers choke and the burglars biff.
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Falcon Under Review
Like the V-neck Warriors there looks likely to be a salary (handi) cap review of the defending champion Falcons.
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Bonding Sacked from Kārearea
Larry Bonding was once a glittering jewel in the Falcon’s crown, nominated as their Hot Man of the Year in 2003.
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Players Mourn loss of Tane Mahuta
Timber, Tane Mahuta, Moors, Moorsy, Big Red, the fountain of all knowledge, Fra – you are gone but never forgotten.
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