The Magpies release MagpieGPT

There’s a poster in the office of the CEO of a well-known Hawkes Bay real estate company that has no titties and arse on it. It’s an image of the Magpie player that has been used as an AI golf clone for the Magpies, currently ranked the world’s greatest sporting team. The player’s name is Simon Chur, and he hits a 5 iron off the tee straighter than the straightest ruler. The only downside is that it only goes 45 metres, which doesn’t matter as the secret is in the AI algorithm.

“Empower golf. Transform accuracy,” reads its tagline. But it’s the name of the secret software that rankles.

P l a y e r.

Many golfers are anxious about how their games and team status will be affected as artificial intelligence becomes even more powerful. Teams like the Magpies use P l a y e r to maximise their chance at any given hole, regardless of stroke or opposition player handicap.

Within one week, one can now get MagpieGPT (Magpie Golf Player Transient) to turn out a high handicap golfer that rivals any experienced Woodpecker burglar.

Golf Tomorrow
  • The handicap of Walkingtotown
  • The fashion style of Sickman
  • The 5-iron of Chur
  • The desire to win of Mr Burguezz
  • The stealth of burglar Gemstone
  • The scoring accuracy of Schteemin

Distract 1.5

Suppose a MagpieGPT player has an erroneous tee shot with 65% probability their ball could be lost (due to unforeseen circumstances such as wild slice, hook, unexpected wind and a bad bounce). P l a y e r will then activate and advise the player to say that they saw where the ball went and that it was safe. It will then launch a second identical ball from a hidden rear pocket to a hidden quick-release pocket on the player’s bottom right trouser cuff.

A conversational module Distract 1.5 will then activate to chat with the players within the same fourball and discuss relevant sporting events to move the conversation away from the fact that the ball is probably in the green-side pond. Distract 1.5 will also be used for air shots the playing group may not have seen.

corelogik 2.0

corelogik 2.0 is the technology behind MagpieGPT. The player’s swing has been re-designed to use maximum centreptical force with minimum pivotal resistence. The pivot is utlilisation of multiple centres to produce a circular motion for generating centrifugal force on an adjusted plane plus maintain the balance necessary for a two line delivery path.

Fundamental Flaw

Unfortunately, the current version of P l a y e r has not been factored to incorporate a player’s race and skin colour. As an invitation-only, exclusive white team, the Magpies are believed to have been behind the exclusion of brown Swan captain Barry Traill from the 2024 JWMGC captains WhatsApp group. As a result, new modules have been created to consider a player’s indigenous nature.

P l a y e r is currently limited to only two words in its indigenous language database.

Car Pie.